I Confused Legolas!
by ChaosLightning13
Summary: Just a fun story my reviewers seemed to like. Meaning: it wouldn't still be up here if I hadn't gotten 32 reviews. A couple of girls confuse our dearly beloved Elf prince. Warnings for MarySuism and other failures of plot. Not meant to be serious.
1. The Girl Can't Blush

DISCLAIMERS: I own LotR. It's true, so stop looking at me like that. Oh, fine, I only own a copy of LotR. I don't own much else, because there's this cat who has claimed all my belongings for her own. I own Kalariel, and I own the other girl. I do not own the group of girls, because they are owned by the writers of other fics. The bad writers. Anyhoo, please review, I really like getting reviews, and the fanfiction.net people email me whenever I get a review, and that makes me really happy…

* * *

Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, was annoyed. He was attending yet another ball, and, as always, the girls were fawning over him, each trying to solicit his promise to dance with her. He pushed his way through the crowd, thinking to go lock himself in his room.

The girls tried to follow him, but he was too fast, slipping around the dancers and into a side passageway. He hurried along, not bothering to look where he was going because he'd been this way so many times before. Thus it was that he ran headlong into a small figure crouched on the floor, tripped, and fell on his face.

'Oh, I'm sorry!' the figure said, her voice betraying the fact that she was a girl. She bent over him, frowning. 'Are you all right?'

'Fine!' Legolas said shortly. Not another one, he thought.

The girl gasped and peered at his face. 'I'm really, really sorry, Your Highness. If I'd known you were coming, I wouldn't have gotten in your way,' she stammered, trying to blush and failing miserably.

It was then that Legolas noticed the tearstains on her cheeks. 'What's the matter?' he asked.

'N-nothing,' the girl replied.

Then the other girls appeared around a bend. 'Legolas! Please dance with me!' one cried.

The girl next to him spun around, her hands clenched into fists. 'He doesn't want to dance with any of you!' she shouted defiantly. To Legolas, she whispered, 'Go!'

Legolas turned and fled. He could hear the leader or the girls saying, 'Who does he want to dance with, then? You?'

There were several derisive snorts from her followers.

* * *

Safe in his room, Legolas locked the door and turned to collapse on the bed. Before he could do this, however, he noticed the letter on top of his pillow. He picked it up and read it.

'To Legolas:

'Everybody's being too gentle with you. It's time that someone said something bluntly. That "someone" is I. You're a spoiled brat. An over-pampered pretty-boy with no fashion sense whatsoever. Brown absolutely does not go with gold. If you don't change your act, you'll never ever find yourself a suitable wife.

'Signed, Your Secret Admirer.'


	2. Cogito, Ergo Sum

DISCLAIMERS: Princess (that's my cat) tells me that she owns Middle-earth. I'm not surprised. She owns the entire universe, except my books and my Harry Potter sheets, because I don't want her to shed all over them. *Ack! It's the lawyers! Oh, wait, I can out-argue any lawyer. (I pick up Princess, who has been hissing insanely.) Isn't she a sweet cat? She owns LotR. You got a problem with that? (The lawyers back off, casting terrified glances at me and Princess. *  
  
* * *  
  
Legolas' brow furrowed as he tried to puzzle through the meaning of the letter. It didn't make sense. Why would a secret admirer write him a letter that was full of insults? *I resist the urge to whop him over the head with my book. I am successful in resisting this urge only because I don't have a book handy.* He shook his head, deciding to worry about it later.  
  
For the next few days, he was aware of a shadowy figure following him everywhere. He tried to get away by going into the forest, and for a few minutes he was free. Then he was set upon by the crowd of empty-headed girls who'd been at the ball.  
  
'Legolas,' one whined, 'the Orcs have taken my cousin. Please go rescue him!'  
  
Another girl stepped out from the trees. 'Begone, the lot of you,' she said. 'You're awful liars, did you know that? I happen to know that you don't have any cousins.'  
  
The crowd muttered angrily, closing about her. One of the girls grabbed the front of her shirt and lifted her off the ground. 'You watch your mouth, wimp!'  
  
'Wimp' reached up and pried away the other girl's hand. 'I've had a bad day,' she said casually, 'and I feel like hitting someone. Do any of you care to volunteer?'  
  
Whiner stepped forward and said, 'You've got a big mouth, wimp. Come on, girls. Let's teach the wimp a lesson.'  
  
The one called 'wimp' punched her in the nose. The other girls tackled 'wimp,' but she kicked and punched and knocked them all down. They staggered to their feet, muttering some very unladylike words, and stalked off.  
  
The girl stood there for a moment, then, realizing that Legolas was staring at her, vanished back into the trees. Legolas watched her go. For some reason he had the feeling that she was the same girl he'd seen in the hall the week before. It was odd, but he seemed to be developing a liking for her, though he did not even know her name.  
  
Resolving to ask her the next time he saw her, Legolas walked back to the palace. There was another note on his pillow, so he opened it and read it. It was much shorter than the first.  
  
'Dear Legolas:  
  
'You do not exist. I think, therefore I am. You do not think, therefore you are not.  
  
'Signed, Your Secret Admirer.'  
  
* * *  
  
Somebody knocked on the door. 'What is it?' Legolas asked irritably.  
  
The door opened, and his father walked in. 'There's a party tomorrow. I was hoping you could come.'  
  
Legolas groaned. 'Not another one!'  
  
Thranduil smiled. 'Kalariel will be there.'  
  
Legolas' eyes brightened. 'Kalariel? Really? Great! I suppose I can go to the party.'  
  
After his father left, Legolas collapsed onto the bed, feeling decidedly better. 


	3. The Killer

DISCLAIMERS: I own Kalariel. I also own my wonderful spelling skills, which are not much in evidence at the moment. My cat still says she owns Middle- earth.  
  
* * *  
  
When Kalariel arrived at the palace, she was greeted by a young girl with blond hair and blue eyes, like all the elves of Mirkwood. Kalariel herself had been born in Imladris and therefore had glossy black hair.  
  
'Your highness,' the girl greeted her, curtsying gracefully.  
  
Kalariel gave her a startled look. Most people did not know of her royal lineage.  
  
'Come in, come in,' the girl said. 'There's a party tomorrow, did you know that?'  
  
'I know,' Kalariel said. 'That's why I came.'  
  
'Legolas isn't going to the party. He's tired of parties.'  
  
'He'll go,' Kalariel said dangerously. 'He'll go if I have to drag him there myself.'  
  
'He'll lock himself in his room,' the girl said.  
  
'Then I'll knock his door down,' Kalariel said with a note of finality.  
  
Kalariel went to her room, and the girl followed her. Once there, Kalariel took the knives from her boots and belt and put them in a drawer, leaving only one tucked into her belt, just in case. The girl watched, a calculating expression on her face.  
  
When Kalariel took her sword from her pack and leaned it against the wall, the girl gave her an odd look. 'Are you-?' she asked, deliberately leaving the question hanging.  
  
'The Killer,' Kalariel confirmed with a nod. 'Just don't tell anyone.'  
  
'Don't worry. I won't.'  
  
* * *  
  
Legolas danced with Kalariel, and her glare kept the other girls at a distance. After a while, though, Kalariel said, 'Why don't you dance with someone else for a while?'  
  
Legolas gave her a startled look. 'Who?' he asked, curious.  
  
'Her,' said Kalariel, nodding toward a girl sitting all by herself. Legolas peered at her intently, realizing with a start that she was the girl.  
  
He walked over to her and stood awkwardly for a moment before saying, 'Er, would you like to dance with me?'  
  
For some reason, everybody had suddenly stopped talking, so they all heard him. One of the empty-headed girls rushed over to him and said in a nasal voice, 'Oh, you don't want to dance with her. She's a wimp. She doesn't know anything about boys. Why don't you dance with me?'  
  
Immediately the girl was on her feet, giving the other a terrifying glare which, Legolas was surprised to note, was identical to Kalariel's. 'He wasn't asking you, jerk!' Turning to Legolas, she said, 'I'd be happy to dance with you-if Kalariel doesn't mind.'  
  
Oh. So the two had met. Well, that explained a few things. Then, the actually question registering in his brain, Legolas said, 'Actually, Kalariel's the one who suggested that I ask you.'  
  
'Isn't she a dear?' the girl said, taking his arm and leading him to the center of the dance floor.  
  
* * *  
  
Meanwhile, Kalariel approached the group of giggling girls, fingering the handle of her knife. Slowly, she took her hand off the knife and let her expression soften.  
  
'You girls leave my Legolas alone, you hear?' she said, a strained look on her face because she was trying to keep from laughing.  
  
The girls looked at each other fearfully. 'We tried to stop him, but he just ran off with that other girl. There was nothing we could do,' one said in a squeaky little voice.  
  
'I know,' Kalariel said. 'I told him to dance with her. He's a good boy, now isn't he?'  
  
The girls exchanged glances again. Ha, thought Kalariel. It's been less than a minute, and I've already got them confused. Slowly, she reached up and pulled out her fake One Ring, letting it fall against her chest. The girls scattered, shrieking.  
  
'Eeeeeeek! She's got the One Ring!'  
  
Chuckling, Kalariel tucked the Ring back under her gown.  
  
* * *  
  
Legolas was about to ask the girl her name when the screaming started.  
  
'Eeeek?' Legolas demanded. 'Eeeeek? Whet sort of an exclamation is that?'  
  
The girl snorted. 'A very girlish one. But what's this about the One Ring? I thought it was destroyed.'  
  
'Oh, is that what they were squealing about?' Legolas said. 'I couldn't tell.'  
  
'So, who do they think has the Ring?' the girl asked.  
  
'Probably Kalariel,' Legolas told her. 'She's pulled this trick before.'  
  
'Well,' the girl said dubiously, 'she certainly has a sense of humor.'  
  
* * *  
  
Once things had begun to settle down, Legolas left for his room. There was a piece of paper sitting on his pillow: another letter.  
  
'Dear Legolas,' it began.  
  
'You're an excellent dancer, did you know that?  
  
'Signed, Your Secret Admirer.' 


	4. The Mystery Remains Unsolved

A/N: Mwahahahahahaha! I had you fooled! Read on to find out the meaning of that last statement.

Butterfly, I tried to email you but the address was invalid or somesuch. Anyways, my answer is yes, you may use it. I am honored that you liked this story so much.

* * *

The next day, Legolas confronted the girl about the letters. 'Why have you been writing me these crazy notes?'

'Huh?' she said. 'What are you talking about?' The girl was genuinely confused.

'Then it wasn't you? But that last one—it said that I was a good dancer.'

'I wasn't the only person who danced with you,' the girl pointed out.

'That's right. Oh, before I forget, I've been meaning to ask you for your name.'

The girl muttered something unintelligible.

'What was that? I didn't quite catch what you said.'

'My name is Ariel.'

'That's a pretty name.'

'Why thank you.' She tried to blush, but was unsuccessful.

'It's true.'

'Er, I could ask Kalariel about the notes if you'd like,' Ariel offered.

'That would be wonderful,' Legolas agreed.

* * *

'So, Kalariel, have you been writing Legolas any crazy notes lately?' Ariel asked.

'Huh? No, I haven't, why do you ask?' Kalariel responded.

'Why don't we talk to Legolas about this?' Ariel suggested. 'I'm not sure about all the details.'

Legolas explained to them about the mysterious letters he had been receiving. He produced all three and the ladies looked over them.

'Well,' said Kalariel, 'it's probably a girl, considering the handwriting. Very similar to my own, in fact. And this is precisely the wording I'd use. Odd.'

'Methinks we have a mystery on our hands,' Ariel announced. 'Well, Kalariel?'

Kalariel grinned. 'If I can spy on a Council of Elrond, I can certainly figure out who this secret admirer is.'

Legolas snorted. '_Sam_ was able to spy on the Council of Elrond.'

'He was also able to spy on Mithrandir in the Shire,' Kalariel retorted.

'I'll compose a list of all possible suspects,' Ariel said.

* * *

Hours later, they had a list of all the girls and women in Mirkwood and Rivendell, and had begun to cross off the names of those who could not have written the letters.

'Look!' Ariel exclaimed. 'We've gotten it down to one name.'

'And who is that?' asked Legolas.

Kalariel and Ariel exchanged a glance. 'Arwen.'

* * *

'Arwen?' Legolas demanded. 'Are you two crazy?'

'Haven't we been over this before?' Kalariel asked. 'Of course I'm crazy.'

'Arwen's the only person left on the list,' Ariel said.

'It wasn't Arwen,' Legolas stated. 'She would never write something that childish.'

Kalariel raised an eyebrow at him. 'Your secret admirer might be listening right now, and I'm sure she would not appreciate that last remark.'

'The letters _were_ a bit childish,' Ariel came to Legolas' aid.

Noticing a piece of paper lying by her foot, Ariel bent down to pick it up. 'It's another letter.' She passed the letter to Legolas, who began to read:

' "Ariel! I expected better of you. You are being extremely dense.

' "Signed, guess who.' "

Ariel was already on her knees, examining the wall near where her feet had been. Kalariel, however, looked towards the ceiling. 'Would you look at that? Those rafters are perfect for spying on whoever is in the room.'

Ariel, upon hearing these words, scampered up to the top of the rafters. 'Uh, I just realized something,' she said uneasily. 'I'm scared of heights.'

Kalariel, who had climbed up next to Ariel, said, 'Don't worry. You're not going to fall.'

'I might if I try to check out that hole in the roof,' Ariel said, pointing.

'Oh.' Kalariel climbed over and looked out through the hole. 'Hey would you look at that! There's a tightrope strung from the hole in the roof to the trees. I can see someone running across it. I'm going after her!' Kalariel looked at the ground, far below. 'On second thought, I'll stay here.'

'I've got another letter!' Legolas announced. ' "Pretty-boy, you've got a lot to learn. Elves aren't the only sentient beings out there. They might be the only race of which the majority of the people are intelligent, but there are some pretty smart hobbits, for example.

' "Signed, Your Secret Admirer.' "

* * *

Please review! Please! This is my first attempt at a mystery story, and I want to know how I'm doing.


	5. Teruwyn

DISCLAIMER: I own LotR. (Love of the Rings. Go figure.) My cat owns Middle- earth. At least, she says she does, and I'm not going to argue with her. I do not own Legolas, which causes me great disappointment. Oh well, you can't have everything.  
  
Butterfly: I put this in the last chapter but I don't know if you read it, so I'll say it again: yes you may use my stories (any of them), just be sure to give me credit for my ideas.  
  
Jaded: Yes I have read the books-and the appendixes. And this is just a fun story. Try reading some of my others, like The Killer. That one is much more realistic.  
  
Oh, by-the-by, those Elf girls aren't necessarily thousands of years old. I was thinking they'd be more like, say, in their teens, or maybe tweens. Yes, I know that 'tweens' is used by hobbits, not Elves, but I don't particularly care.  
  
Now to the story.  
  
* * *  
  
Kalariel smiled. 'So she's not an Elf, and I'll wager she's not a halfling.'  
  
'She's probably not a Dwerrow, either,' Ariel added. (Dwerrows are Dwarves, for those of you who have not read the Appendix.)  
  
'Then she must be a human,' Legolas concluded. (See he does have some brains, which is really a miracle in a blonde guy. It might have something to do with knowing Kalariel for a few thousand years.) 'Now we need to determine where we can find her.'  
  
'Maybe she's a Ranger,' Ariel suggested. 'She's obviously skilled at traveling silently.'  
  
'That would make sense,' Kalariel agreed. 'And the Rangers can be found at Bree.'  
  
'Fun fun,' said Ariel. 'We get to have an adventure.'  
  
* * *  
  
They reached Bree in good time. When they arrived, they saw that a circus was in progress. (Did they even have those in ME? Anybody an expert on the history of circuses?) The main attraction was a girl walking across a tightrope.  
  
After the circus, noticing Legolas, the girl came over to talk with the trio. She had brown shoulder-length hair and was about five feet nine inches tall. (Yes, she is I. I couldn't resist.) 'Your Highnesses,' she greeted them. 'My name is Joy Rainwater. I'm the acrophobic acrobat. What brings three fair Elves to this not-so-fair town of Bree?'  
  
'Legolas has been receiving some very confusing letters,' Ariel explained. 'Do you, perchance, know who gave them to him?'  
  
'Yes, in fact, I do,' Joy replied, 'but it wasn't me. Oh, no, your secret admirer is extremely sneaky. I think I'll let her have a bit more fun.'  
  
* * *  
  
The nest morning, Legolas found a hastily scribbled note just inside the door.  
  
'Dear Legolas,  
  
'Your secret admirer sometimes goes by the name Teruwyn. I just thought you might like to know.  
  
'Sincerely, Joy Rainwater.'  
  
* * *  
  
Oooh! Button! Must press and see what it does!  
  
Please review! 


	6. And They All Lived Happily Ever After

DISCLAIMERS: I do not own LotR, although I live in Middle-earth.  
  
* * *  
  
'I suppose I should tell you gals, I got a letter from Joy. She says that the mysterious letter-writer sometimes uses the name Teruwyn.'  
  
'Right,' Ariel said, looking at Kalariel. 'Doesn't the Killer use the name Teruwyn?'  
  
'Ah, yes, in fact, she does.'  
  
'I think I'll go have a long talk with Joy.'  
  
* * *  
  
Joy appeared by Ariel's side as soon as she left the inn.  
  
'Legolas has a stalker, does he not?' Ariel said. 'Methinks his stalker is known as the Killer.'  
  
'Methinks thou art correct,' Joy replied.  
  
'When are the getting married?' Ariel asked.  
  
'Probably at the reunion of the Fellowship, in about six months,' was the reply.  
  
'Should I tell him?'  
  
'Does she know that you know?'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'Then don't tell him,' Joy said. 'Let her decide whether she wants to reveal herself.'  
  
'Alright. Do you think I could give him a few hints?'  
  
'Ask her first.'  
  
'I'll do that.'  
  
* * *  
  
After receiving permission from the Killer, Ariel began dropping hints as to the mysterious letter-writer's identity, trying to get Legolas to figure it out himself.  
  
'Well, I would have noticed if someone dropped that last note from the ceiling, and it wasn't there when I came in, so.' Ariel trailed off.  
  
Legolas furrowed his brow, and one could almost see the gears turning inside his head. 'Whoever put it there must have been in the room.'  
  
'And there were all of three people in the room,' Ariel added.  
  
Legolas groaned. 'I should have known!' He turned to Kalariel. 'It was you, wasn't it?'  
  
Kalariel grinned. 'It took you long enough to figure it out.'  
  
'Did Ariel know all along?'  
  
'No,' Joy said, hopping down from the ceiling. 'Only at the last. Oh, by the way, I lied earlier. I wrote the first letter, then Kalariel took over for me. My, that was fun!'  
  
* * *  
  
That's the end. Surprised you, huh? Or maybe you were just surprised earlier when it turned out it wasn't Ariel.  
  
Please review, I want to know how I can improve the story. 


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